Little John Goldifox was lost in the forest. The young lad had been out riding when his surly horse, a bronco named Elway, threw the boy from his saddle, and rode off. The child cursed the horse. Rising, he dusted himself off and tried to regain his bearings. Where was he? The horse had galloped onto unfamiliar land and left him here to ponder. Goldifox climbed the nearest hill to look for familiar landmarks, but all he saw was a small tendril of smoke climbing out of the distant woods.
“It must be a cabin.” Goldifox thought as he felt his belly rumble. The Bronco had ridden off with the saddlebags and Goldifox’s beloved snacks. Combinations of salty and sweet packed by his loving mum before his afternoon gallivant. Lost and Hungry, Goldifox resolved to find the cabin, hoping for a kind stranger to perhaps feed him and point him in the right direction.
It was an hour later when Goldifox finally came upon the cabin. Stopping abruptly his gaze fixed on the domicile, Goldifox gave pause. This cabin he knew was home to Bears. He thought it odd a first to find a Bear cabin so far at the bottom of the NFC Forest. Goldifox took a few tentative steps forward, but then remembered that Bears are not as dangerous as they used to be. In the past Bears had been proud defensive creatures, monsters almost, and they stood for no encroachment into their territory. This was no more, modern Bears were inept creatures, in a state of waking hibernation. Relived Goldifox walked right into the cabin as if he owned it and began to poke around.
The first door he came upon had the number 8 on the door. It was the tallest door Goldifox had ever seen. A giraffe could walk through it. If fact Goldilocks worried he got it wrong. Maybe this was a giraffe house and not a Bears house? No, it has to be a Bears house but one of these Bears must have giraffe like features. Everything was up high. Goldifox couldn’t reach anything. The bed was long and skinny, too firm for Goldifox to take a nap. If the darts on the dartboard were any indication, this Bear wasn’t very accurate either.
Door number 2 had a number 6 painted on the outside and Goldifox trotted in. This room was a lot different from the giraffe-Bear’s room. There was strange writing all over the wall. Goldifox went in for a closer look. “I AM THE SANCHISE, I AM NOT THE BUTT FUMBLE” was written in repetition all over the walls. Goldifox reflected “This poor guy must be a shell of his former self. Washed up even for a Bear.” The bed was a normal size but covered in pubic hair and the only food he could find was a half eaten, stale churro. “This won’t do.” thought Goldifox and he resolved to investigate the third Bear’s room.
The last door bore the number 10. This room looks like maybe it was a new addition to the Bear family. Goldifox could smell a fresh coat of paint and thought this room the most promising yet. This Bear’s room looked like it had a lot more potential than the others but Goldifox wasn’t sure. This Bear had a tiny bed. Almost a crib. “Wait is this a Cubs room?” thought Goldifox. “The owner of this room might not even be ready to be a Bear.”
Just then the three Bears walked in carrying a bag of Portillo’s and to Goldifox’s surprise they were far more afraid of him then he was to them. They offered Goldifox the Portillo’s and the boy began to chow down. Goldifox learned that this particular breed of Bears was known as the Crappy White Quarterback breed. One of the most overpriced breeds of Bear ever to exist. Goldifox got along with the Bears, the meek breed even made him their king. In return, Goldifox tried to teach these Bears a game called Football. Try as they might the poor Bears were not very good at the game. So bad in fact Goldifox was worried that he might be tied to a stake and set on fire for his failures. It wasn’t Goldifox’s fault, of course, these Bears were not up to snuff. The baby Bear might have a chance, but if it were up to Goldifox he would have chosen a different Bear. I wish I could say everyone lives happily ever after but they don’t. Goldifox is probably gonna burn.