I didn’t discover my cusping manhood in the age of the modern internet. I, like many young boys of my generation would go to great lengths to see a woman’s bare breast for even a split second. One surefire way to see a titty was in one of those 1990’s sexy psychological thrillers that don’t exist anymore, because internet pornography was invented. Movies like Basic Instinct, Jade, Showgirls, Bound, Indecent Proposal were all just basically the worst porno movies in history. They are all about 99% story, 1% boner but the only reason anyone bought a ticket was for that 1%. It was a guilt free 1% too, you weren’t watching a porno, you were watching a “sexy thriller.” Well, that’s how the adults of the time would frame it, I wasn’t even a teenager yet, so it was all pretty naughty to me.
The year was 1994 and for a preteen of the times, the movies was a place you get away from everything and just do you. Summers were long and almost all my allowance money was spent at the local AMC movie theaters. Between 1994-1997 I saw just about everything that came out in theaters that I possibly could, often finding myself without a viable option. I even saw movies I actively didn’t have any interest in. Movies such as Powder, Phenomenon, and Junior. Haven’t seen Junior? Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant and has a baby in it. This particular summer I remember being not great for my movie watching. I was too young to get in to R rated movies, and the only way I could see one was with parental supervision. Supervision I was often granted for movies like Cliffhanger and other sex-less action movies. This particular summer day I had zeroed on Color of Night, the new “sexy” Bruce Willis movie that I heard had to be cut down to avoid an NC-17 rating. Back then hearing that a movie had to be cut to avoid an NC-17 was an absolute guarantee of nudity. Often these “sexy” thrillers were not sexy at all, or would feature almost no female nudity. When you were 12 there was no bigger disappointment of a boob denied. Color of Night looked like the real deal, but how to get in?
Enter Angels in the Outfield. Pretty much a kids movie that at age 12, I had decided, was much too old for me. The perfect plan as I saw it would be to buy a ticket for Angels in the Outfield, and make my way into Color of Night. At this point in my life I have done it all at the movies and never been caught. I’ve snuck in without any ticket at all. I’ve bought a ticket and stayed for 3 movies. I’ve bought the PG-13 ticket and gone to the R movie. I’m just doing it again. I made it though the doors and to my seat, I thought I was home free. False. Some snot-nosed usher comes up and asks to see my ticket. Busted.
You want to talk about a walk of shame? Cersei Lannister has got nothing on me. The walk all the way back up the aisle with the usher was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. I was walking past a bunch of dudes all there for the same reason I was. We all just wanted something to put in the spank-bank. It was like that scene in the movie Big, where Josh Baskin wasn’t tall enough to ride the ride. I wasn’t old enough to get a boner from Color of Night.
So true to my tradition of watching movies that held zero interest, I watched Angels in the Outfield. Color of Night would have to wait for video. (Probably a good thing for obvious reasons.) I would eventually see Color of Night about 6 months later which brings me to the blog topic. What’s the better movie? The for kids baseball movie with Danny Glover or the movie where you see Bruce Willy’s willy for the first time?
Rotten tomatoes has Color of Night at 22% critics 30% audience. Angels in the Outfield is at 33% critics and 49% audience. I watched them both again for this piece. I’m here to tell you guys that both of these movies are abominations and crimes against filmmaking but Color of Night is actually insane. Angels is just a terrible idea.
The Premise of Angels in the Outfield is that actual angels help out the baseball team the California Angels because Joseph Gordon-Levitt prayed or something.
The Premise of Color of Night is that it doesn’t really have one. It want’s to be sexy and have a twist ending. Spoiler Alert the sex was underwhelming even for a 12 year old. The most graphic nudity was Bruce Willis’s dick head.
My friends and I do a “bad” movie night and normally a movie like Color of Night would be a perfect candidate, but in reality almost nothing “thrilling” happens. It’s all very predictable from a 2017 perspective.
A-Train final analysis: Don’t see either of these movies, If you want kids baseball watch Rookie of the year or Sandlot, if you want to see boobs visit the internet. A-Train out.