Return to THE HOLY WAR: Pre-Season Power Rankings

holy war jimbertedit1

Vae Victis: Woe to the Vanquished.

Our last crusade saw Jimbert take home the Holy Grail. It was his first Holy War Championship, after a long, and arduous journey; one that saw him year after year come so close to victory, yet never taste it. Well he is tasting it now. The Grail is his and he can drink Pepsi out of it, it’s his prerogative.

The Defending Champion takes the #1 Spot on the power ranks. Shady McCoy and DeMarco Murray command his ground forces, while he attacks through the air with Dez Bryant and Jordy Nelson. If he has a weakness it’s at QB, the Book of Eli can only be read so many times.

Max joust fatty

At the #2 Spot we have young Maximus, our runner up from last crusade. He came in hot to grab Le’Veon Bell to pair with Devonta Freeman, they form a formidable backfield with Todd Gurley. Phil Rivers leads the air attack, slinging balls to TY Hilton, Alshon Jeffery, and Terrelle Pryor. Will he drink from the Grail this year? Only time will tell.

The Stickmen check in at #3. Gronk, Nuk, Cam, Zeke…this is a team of one syllable wonders. I hope not having Darren McFadden doesn’t cause this team to make a complete collapse. If Shap can weather that storm, then this team is a goon squad.

Pony-Tails, Cocktails two things that will always ROCK! A word to all you males, don’t ever lose those tails, cause then you just have pony-cock!

the boy

David Johnson has pony cock, the guy is Jake’s workhorse. He is Jake’s Coconut Pete. He is the secret ingredient when you get him for 20 bucks in a keeper. Team him up with Amari Cooper and now you’re making beautiful music.

I’m just gonna nestle my team right here at #5. Julio Jones, Drew Brees, Jordan Howard, Larry Fitz. This team isn’t done adding pieces.  Soon everyone in this league is going to Smell the Glove.

El Chappo’s Chaps has been Blair’s team name for way to long. I want to rank him last just for that but I have a little thing called integrity. I don’t love this team and I don’t hate it. Mike Evans is a stud, so is AJ Green. Will Tyreke Hill give you what you need? Or will he get you pregnant and beat the shit out of you instead. Your guess is as good as mine.

War Hero edges out Hayden Bacon. These two were bidding back and fourth. I wonder if they read the same draft website? War Hero loves the rookie RBs He drafted Fournette and Dalvin Cook who look to be the future rock-toters for their respective franchises. Not a bad strategy in a keeper.

Hayden Bacon also due for a team name change, was all over Aaron Rodgers like he wanted to live in his neighborhood. Turns out when people “like” Aaron Rodgers move to town the property values go up. Wave that rainbow flag proudly A-Rog! Bryan fully supports you! He is giving you weapons like Randall Cobb and Davante Adams to work with in fantasy! Oh those are your real life weapons too? You would think in fantasy he could surround you with better guys. Who knows maybe Isiah Crowell will rush for 2000 yards. Stranger things have happened.

Perma Tilt and Cisteen Tackle. Bottom Dwellers. I guess King’s don’t stay Kings. Perma-tilt is getting the slight edge over Cisteen. Antonio Brown and Michael Thomas have the ability to really make me eat my words. If Ameer Abdullah is a stud this team could go places despite my low initial ranking.

Cisteen Tackle has Tom Brady, they will always have a chance but Debo you need to pimp your ride, if you want to roll with that chalice at season’s end. I believe in you. Ignore this last place ranking. You can do it. The world is your oyster.

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