Mitch Cumstein. Mitch Kramer. Mitch from “Not Another Team Movie.” The fictional Mitch lives large in either obscurity, annoying face touches, or being told to stop. Personally, I only truly care for Cumstein. He’s the only the one that seems like a good shit who wouldn’t get his chops busted. But this blog isn’t about that. This blog is about my personal experiences with fellas named Mitch. The reasons for it are mine and mine alone, but ever since the A Train became linked to Mitch “Mr. Biscuit” Trubisky, I’ve been faced with a surplus of Mitch in my life. And frankly, my Mitch experiences have been legitimately bi-polar.
Mitch – The North Pole
My first somewhat tangible relationship with Mitch was with a kid I went to middle and high school with. He was and remains a ginger. A day walker, actually. Never quite melted from the sun, but definitely didn’t want to drift to close to the equator. He was a mediocre athlete when we were younger, and never did much to stand out aside from his red hair. Couldn’t tell ya the members of his friend group and that doesn’t bother me at all. When we got to high school, the winds blew a bit different for Mitch. Apparently he blood doped or actually drank blood like gingers are supposed to and got really fast. This made him an asset on the soccer field, and that blew me away. This dude was a guy who chased lady bugs in my select soccer playing days and couldn’t sniff the field. Now he was “good” per respectable sources. Apparently he went to play in college, and I think he’s married now with kids. There’s more of this blood doping, late bloomer genetic pool coming. Why am I telling you all this? It will make sense, I swear.
Mitch – The South Pole
This Mitch I met in college. He was one of my best friends. And he was a savage. His nickname was “Belig Mitch.” I did more drugs and nefarious acts with Mitch than anyone else, and my buddies and I are pretty convinced his family is KGB. I don’t throw the word savage around lightly, and this dude probably needs another descriptor more animalistic than that. Yet, my boys and I knew he was a nerd in high school. He reeked of it. Acne scars, an M3 that only had the Wyclef album with the “Stayin Alive” remix and the song by Diddy where he spells his name, and the inability to ever get his dick up when he banged chicks. I know this because he lived in a room called the “fish bowl” where my frat brothers and I would witness an endless stream of failures. Did my high school Mitch do what Belig Mitch did at college? There’s no way, right? But they both had reinventions in front of my very eyes. Which brings us full circle to Mr. Biscuit.
Mitch – The Blend
When the Bears drafted this dude, I winced for the A Train. No way that “Mitch Trubisky” was an a star NFL QB. The name was a dead giveaway. However, after we commiserated, the axis began to tilt. He had a cool nickname. He went to UNC – the coolest college in America. And on the field he had some legitimate swagger. A Train can say all he wants about being torn, but he’s bought in. The Biscuits are from Popeye’s and he’s bought a double order. For me, I’d like to think he’s the evolution of my bipolarity with Mitch’s. And if he is, he’s a monster who has untapped potential that even the sharpest minds may have missed. I’m pushing my chips into the table and baking them into biscuits. Who the fuck hates on biscuits?
Blogged by Prone Bone Malone.
That was from our newest partner at A-Train corp. PB Malone. Expect more from this rising star. -ATrain.