The Official Kombucha Power Rankings

Let me clear something up before we get into this – no matter what A Train tells you, this is not a sponsored post. This is something that I feel so fucking passionately about it ranks third to prone boning and Hip Hop. This is the life blood of Prone Bone Malone. This is the stuff that makes the jelly for my prone bone and jelly (also known as the Prone Bone Deluxe). This is the stuff that makes me cum pure bucha. This..is..Kombucha.

Now, there is only one brand of Kombucha worth consuming. This is the Synergy brand. I’ll include pictures of each delicious rendition of the Synergy brand for you Bucha amateurs out there. If you’re drinking Master Brew or Suja or some other poor person Bucha, you’re an idiot. You’re not Komming Bucha the right way. Enough with the hub bub, here’s all you need to know about the God’s nectar:

5. Trilogy Flavor

I don’t know what the trilogy of flavors this dynamo channels, but they’re awesome. It’s number five only because it might overpower the rank newbies of the Bucha universe. I’m pretty sure the NBA players drink it before they go for the trinity, which is a blowie, standard pussy sex, and anal.
4. Cosmic Cranberry

I’m actually drinking a Cosmic right now. A bit like a cape codder, the Cosmic is the perfect summer Bucha or a great Bucha to wind down after two or three sets / a quick eighteen holes. And I mean eighteen different vaginas, because the Cosmic gets you laid.

3. Gingerade

The standard bearer. This is the Coca Cola of Kombucha. The nutrients float very thoroughly in it, and most people try it for their first attempt when trying to conquer the world of fermented excellence. I must say though, your appreciation of it grows over time. Adults like Coke more when they can’t have it, and I always search for Gingerade when the store is out of it. Funny how that works.

2. Strawberry Serenity

It’s so fucking serene. It was #1 on my ranks for a hot minute until the perennial champion passed it up once again. This is the sweetest of the bunch, and might be the most refreshing. Children who consume the Bucha would definitely have it at the top of the ranks, as it is the Christmas of the Komdaddies. Alas, I’m not child. That’s why my number one is…

Mystic Mango

Just look at the delicious bottle of Prone Bone maker! You can see the floating nutrients in the picture! I’m blasting six loads without even consuming the sweet, viscous elixir. This Bucha cures all of your ails, is a perfect substitute for orange juice in the morning, and is maybe the best beverage ever modified from the Earth by a man. Because Kombucha is the nature’s gift, people. Men just bottle it and beasts consume it.