Hi, sports fans. How’d you enjoy your Sunday? I somewhat enjoyed mine. I prone boned, which was nice. The Rams lost, but I’m not fully back into Rams fan mode yet, so that didn’t sting so much. In the afternoon, I hated fantasy football. But then I didn’t watch the end of the night game, and my team, the Stickmen Deluxe, did what they do. Stickmalex Smith put up his now standard 25-30 points, and my roll dog Nuk Hopkins caught not one, but two garbage time TDs. Now, I didn’t see them, but it was awesome. I was prone boning – and I also didn’t see the Connor “The Road Brater” Brate score on Thursday because of similar activity. I’m REAALLLYYY starting to think that nut busts and fantasy wins come in tandem…this could be a real problem for ya boy.

ALEX SMITH IS THE LEAGUE MVP

Did you gasp when you read that? I gasped as I wrote it. But through five games, he is completing 75% of his passes, his 11 TDs/0 INTS, over 1,1000 yards, and 125.3 QB rating. That is fucking insane. FUCKING INSANE. The Chiefs are a buzz saw right now, and the hands down best team in football. I know people will chirp about Kareem Hunt, but Hunt is doing his thing due to the unbelievable control of the offense that Smith possesses. If you’re a gambler, maybe wait until they drop a game, but put down loot on the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl. They’re my current pick by a landslide.

LOSE WEIGHT, EZEKIEL ELLIOTT

I don’t know how to explain how disappointing Zeke is to me right now. I thought he would come out and smash these ridiculous charges levied by the NFL (not the judicial system, just Roger Peniswrinkle Goodell’s ego) with smash mouth running and touchdowns galore. Instead, he kind of stinks. He makes some previous year Zeke runs here and there, but overall, he kind of stinks. And it’s killing the Cowboys. And it’s killing me to watch my boy struggle. And it allowed the worthless, scum sucking, celebration biting music Packers to come back on them. Sidenote: The Packers stole the Greatest Show on Turf Ram’s usage of “I don’t wanna Work, I wanna bang on the drum all day” for their touchdown music. And their fans have cheese dildos to bring home to their wives. I hate them. The Cowboys should have won that game walking away, and instead the “Aaron Rodgers is sooooo, sooo good” dick riders got more ammo. LOSE WEIGHT, ZEKE.

JARED GOFF HAS A LAZER, ROCKET ARM

Jared is going to join us at the end of this post, but I wanted to salute his vicious, accurate throwing of the pigskin yesterday. The Rams lost, and I kind of expected them to the week I came back to them, but my long, lost lovers will be just fine. Everett and Higsbee or solid TEs, Gurley is nice as hell, and the defense is pretty put together. Donald + Tree are pro bowl fixture level, and the rest of them aren’t terrible at any spot. Let’s go to Jared, as he’s pretty fired up about his boy Cooper not coming down with that ball…