Choo mafuckin’ choo, ATrain rail riders! I am the Hip Hop Walrus and I’m coming so strong to kick off your hump days! Give me a bangarang, Rufio!

Ya boy PBM is a Rockets fan (Hakeem was my guy as a kid) and a Cavs/Warriors hater deluxe. You have no idea how delighted I was to know that both teams I loathe would lose on opening night. Those dreams were crushed when Gordon Hayward Kevin Ware’d his ankle six minutes into the Celts/Cavs game. The tables had turned on me.

John Doe (Cavs/Warriors) kept the upper hand most of the night. The Celts looked legit without Hayward, and it makes it even more tragic that he’s lost. They’re better than Cleveland with him, and can hang with them without him. I don’t think the Cavs are infinitely better than Boston sans Hayward, but Cleveland is A LOT tougher than they were last season. Adding Crowder, Wade, Jeff Green, D Rose, and eventually Baby Zeke…Jesus. They just need to get rid of JR Smith at some point this season – he was on pluto last night. As I said to my one buddy, JR’s inner dialogue was, “Yo! Kyrie! Why you wearin’ green bruh! I’m finna smoke ya jersey! Quit playin n put the Cavs shit.” Cleveland won the game by 3, and D Rose was probably the biggest revelation on their side. He has dreads, which is super weird. And he looked like a veteran, which is something I never thought I’d be happy to say about Derrick Rose. It’s nice to see him settling into a world where he knows he doesn’t have his legs. Sad, but nice.

The night game had me fired up. I hate the Warriors as much as any team – only the Lovable Losing Cubs rank higher (getting swept right now…where’s that blog, Train?) My Rockets got WAY better this off season, adding CP3, PJ Tucker (who showed the non-NBA diehards who he is last night), and John David Booty’s cousin, Luc Richard MBah Booty. Didn’t start so well for the PBM astroplane, as CP struggled to find his role a bit, and the Warriors couldn’t miss most of the game. They even added Swaggy fucking P who couldn’t miss. That team has my four least favorite NBA players in Durant (by far enemy #1), Steph, Draymond, and Swaggy fucking P. The Rockets wouldn’t break though. It was different than last year when they would seemingly tank games when opponents were megaton hot from the field. Paul was chirping like a mad man, and Tucker really wouldn’t let them fade. Same with Ariza, who looks even better at 53 years old. Tucker hard fouled Durant all night, and even got a bullshit flagrant that didn’t stop him from hammering that long bean limb having, fake hard, try hard, wimp of a clown into the ground. Steph looked petrified of CP punching him in the face like he always does when they square off, and Harden seemed to thrive in the second half knowing he had actual muscle behind him this year. Slowly but surely, the Rockets wore the Dubs down. Eric Gordon! Shit! How have I not mentioned EG? He had some retarded pokes in the lane, to the point were my Warriors’ fan friend openly pined for someone else not on his own flower potting, casserole making, Starbucks loving team. So yeah, the Rockets fought back the whole game and eventually won it by one. Durant even had a phony buzzer beater – it was fucking awesome. God, it’s good to have NBA hoops back.