Merry Monday, ATrain rail riders! Another NFL Sunday is in the books, and the murky waters of the Parody ridden National Football League basically remain as such. We’re going to check in with Jared at the end of the blog as always, but rather than a snapshot of key points, today we’re going to do a PBM Power Ranks. Ya man is on record with how he feels about the Eagles, and their pending matchup with the “Ya Like That” warriors from Washington will not effect their placement in today’s ranks. Let’s get to the fucking details – remember passengers, we do pussies in PBM Land. Pussies from the caboose.
1. New England Patriots
The defending champs are 5-2. I still don’t know how I’d bet against them if I still bet on sports (lots of vices, lots of recovery for ‘ol PBM). The Brady Bunch is unstoppable on offense when they’re clicking, and their much maligned secondary was pretty damn stern last night against the Dirty Birds. Even if they do subscribe to a “bend, don’t break” philosophy on defense this year, there is no offense in this league that I’m more confident in on a weekly basis. King stay the king, people.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers
Big Ben is finally looking like his old self, and their offense ranks #2 on the PBM confidence scale and thus places them #2 in the ranks. The old days of “defense wins championships” are slowly but surely falling by the wayside, as our boy ATrain has alluded to with his triggered hatred of how holding is inevitable. With Ben, Bell, and Brown the Steelers are always going to be feared. The young skill players seem to be getting their confidence, and their defense has potential to shut down anyone when the zone blitz scheme is humming. As always, their LB’s are fierce as hell, and the ageless James Harrison runs that locker room with Adibisi like intensity. I fux with em.
3. Kansas City Chiefs
Stickmalex and the gang are reeling, but they’re fine. Still think they’re looking at the number one or two seed in the AFC, and will be a tough out at home. Yet, Andy Reid is their coach. His system has major flaws. They’ve been exposed for years, and he doesn’t make adjustments. I can’t see how this year will be any different unless their defense is at full strength come playoff time. The believers will point to Kareem Hunt and Kelce as difference makers – I’ll point to Larry Johnson, Priest Holmes, and whomever else ran with Tony Gonzalez in Chiefs years of old. Or all the Eagles teams that ran wild until the chips were down. Not a bet to win the title.
4. Philadelphia Eagles
The Birds are real good. Been saying that. Wentz is a daywalker with legs that make up for his semi lackluster WR corp outside of the milk taker Alshon. Fletcher Cox is the biggest difference maker in the league on defense, and if they go out and get a CB at the deadline, I’d push them to #2 in retroactive ranks. I expect them to stomp the Skins tonight – if you’re still a wagering fella, PBM predicts a 31-13 final score.
5. Houston Texans
Deshaun Watson catapults them to the number five spot. They were on bye this week, and people may question this position. But Watson is the truth, and he has weapons on megaton. Nuk and Fuller are shaping into the most dangerous 1/2 combo in the league – nasty and filthy on each side. Even without Watt, the defense is pretty serviceable. One of the few must watch teams in the league.
6. Minnesota Vikings
I honestly think the Vikings stink. But their defense is really good. But their offense STINKS. This is what parody gets you. A team that stinks in the #6 slot.
7. Los Angeles Rams
As we get to lucky #7, let’s check in with our boy Jared. I called him this week, as he’s coming back from London after thumping the Cardinals and didn’t have enough time to swing through STL.
Rounding out the ranks…
8. New Orleans Saints
9. Seattle Seahawks
10. Buffalo Bills
11. Dallas Cowboys
12. Tennessee Titans
13. Carolina Panthers
14. Oakland Raiders
15. Atlanta Falcons