No, this isn’t “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” but in fact a true story straight from A-Train HQ where one of our reporter’s (me) got the scoop on a local rebel, who defied the Mars Corporation’s recommendations to share his bags of M&M’s. (also me)
You see we no longer live in a land where a man with a large bag of M&M’s is considered a king. Those were the good old days. Then America decided that we were all fat and the smartest way to combat our growing bellies and the growing bellies of our children was to make candy smaller. Thanks, Obama.
The real reason that Americans got fat was that an entire generation was told that eating bread 11 times a day was super good for you. Fuck your food pyramid FDA, you should all be put on trial. The key to fighting obesity is education, not semantics. I digress. The real story is me, the man who took down two “sharing size” bags of M&M’s
This is 4X the recommended dosage of M&M’s. I shouldn’t be alive, this tremendous feat has me wondering just what else am I capable of?
Have you seen the movie “Unbreakable”? I’m pretty much Bruce Willis discovering that he has superpowers.
I mean just how many bags of these sharing M&Ms can I eat? I feel incredible after two. I bet I could eat at least another whole bag and not die.
My new found superpower could be used to exploit the realm of competitive eating. I think given my ability to eat M&M’s the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest would be a walk in the park. That wouldn’t be fair to the mortal eaters, just like it wouldn’t be fair if Clark Kent played in the NFL. Am I comparing myself to Superman? Sure, a little bit, but I think I’m a lot more like Galactus: Devourer of Planets, whose power by all accounts exceeds that of Superman’s.
My Hunger, like that of Galactus, appears to be insatiable. As this story continues to develop I will be sure to keep my readers posted. I can already say that I have vastly exceeded the recommended dosage of Tums by about 4X today as well. Perhaps I have the strength and fortitude of 4 normal men. What if my mom was pregnant with quadruplets and I resorbed the other three fetuses’ like Dwight Schrute? Anything is possible in 2018.