The Headline Reads: “Hand dryers spray human waste particles all over you, study finds.”  A-Train chimes in: “And it doesn’t even dry your fucking hands!”

I have long held the position that the electrical hand dryers in public bathrooms are one of the worst inventions of all time. What makes an invention bad?

1. Doesn’t improve on an existing technology.
2. Doesn’t do what’s intended.
3. Is dangerous or a health concern.

Electric Hand Dryer can now officially check all three boxes. Does it improve on the towel? No. Does it do a good job drying your hands? Fuck no. Does it spray fecal matter onto your just washed hands negating all the washing that you just did? Yes, yes it does. Ever had pink eye? You can probably trace it back to one of these infernal machines that never should have existed in the first place. Life Pro Tip: Just use paper towels and avoid spraying the last guys’ diarrhea all over your hands.

In the movie, Opportunity Knocks Dana Carvey’s character cons his way into a hand dryer company. I think it’s been a while since I saw the movie. I always remember this clip and it infuriates me because it’s the worst kind of fake news…