I got to wondering the other day, “How did the Asian terrorist (Uli), and the black cyber terrorist/hacker (Theo) end up on a team with mostly East-German’s in the movie Die Hard.” I know that I’m not alone in wondering this. I for one am sick of Die Hard remakes, after Die Hard with a Vengence the franchise went to complete dog shit. What I could get excited about is a RogueOne-ish prequel about Hans Gruber assembling his team with a focus on the backstory of the Uli and Theo leading to how the hell they ended up on that team. The movie ends with them all piling in the Pacific Courier truck driving off to Nakatomi Plaza.
At the time Die Hard was released The Cosby Show was one of the biggest show on TV and Cosby’s son was named Theo. I find it curious that they named the one black guy the same name as the one Cosby son. I bet the screenwriter couldn’t think of a name and was like I’ll just call him Theo and we can change it later…and then never did.
After my Die Hard daydreaming, I got to thinking about some of my favorite films. What are some other outside-the-box spinoffs I’d like to see?
Here we go…
Back to the Future: The Plutonium Heist. In the first act of Back to the Future, Doc Brown is gunned down by the Lybians he scammed out of their plutonium. This film would cover both the original stealing of the plutonium by the Lybians and the subsequent introduction to Doc Brown. Doc takes over as the main character trying to finish his time machine while keeping the Lybians at bay. I very much look forward to the scene where he buys a used pin-ball machine to take apart and give to the Lybians.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: Ferrari’s Day Out. This movie follow’s the antics of the guys who stole Cameron Frye’s dad’s Ferrari from the garage. These two probably need the day off more than the poster child for white privilege Ferris Bueller. Can they get the car back to the garage before the rich white assholes come to retrieve their mid-life-crisis mobile? Spoiler Alert they do…and later that night they both find love. Happy Endings are the best.
Jurassic Park: The Nedry Files. Wayne Knight is not only the best character in the original Jurassic Park he’s a national treasure. For these two reasons, I need to see how Jurassic Park’s top programmer got so in-over-his-head financially that he committed corporate espionage on behalf of BioSyn to steal the Dinosaur embryo’s off of Isla Nubar. Give me his life story, maybe he did it all in the name of love? Maybe a stripper named Sinnamon had him wrapped around her pinky finger. I don’t know I’m just spitballing here, what I do know is that I need more Dennis Nedry in my life.
Legends of the Fall: Tristan’s Grief Bender. In Legends of the Fall, Brad Pitt’s character Tristan goes presumably on an all-time bender in the wake of his brother Samuel’s death. This bender takes him across continents to far away lands only briefly montaged in the film. You could flesh that montage out into an entire film and make it pretty damn entertaining. We are due for an adventure-on the-high-seas type film anyway. It’s killing me that I can’t find a youtube video of the montage right now.
Pulp Fiction: Jules walks the Earth like Kane in Kung Fu. I hesitate to spin anything off of Pulp Fiction, and some people probably are screaming that the Pulp Fiction spinoff THEY want is about the mysterious case that Jules and Vincent get for Marcellus Wallace. The case is better left to mystery, what I want is a spin-off TV show where Jules Winfield “Walks the Earth.”
Ok Hollywood, these you get for free. My next set of spinoffs come with a price. A-Train Out.