It’s been too long, I shouldn’t have left you…without a dope blog to step to! Prone Bone Malone is back in the thick of it for the NFL season and the foreseeable future. Mind the gaps, and appreciate the blizzards when it comes to my literary snowfall. I’ll be doing power rankings of the two fantasy leagues ATrain and I participate in together, MLB Playoffs musings, some pods with ATrain/solo style, all things hoops, all things Blues hockey, and the Hip Hop coverage of old with some newer, deeper dives into the music that drives my existence.
It takes extraordinary things to bring back people from retirement. There are too many instances of this occurring to fuck with a list, so just take my opinion as concrete fact. Last week, in only 48 brief hours, a fantasy football league was cobbled together by alumnus of my high school. Half of the members were in one graduating class and the other half were in another, and it came to the fruition through social media kinship in our thirties. Each faction of the league were friends in their youth – associates with members of the other faction at the same time. Facebook hilarity has brought us together as one to form a league built on comedy. I haven’t been this excited for any fantasy sport related activity in a long while. Without further adieu, here are the power rankings after our draft on Thursday. Each squad has been given their season long anthem – come fuck with us.
10. Devon’s Team (no nickname)
Team Anthem: “What A Mess,” by Xzibit
Pick: 2nd Overall
D Guice and D Bryant have already been derostered. Curb kicked due to preexisting season ending injury and preexisting unemployment. Solid picks, though. The bigger issue is the absence of LeVeon on this roster. Antonio Brown makes sense at three or four or five. But selecting him before Gurley or Bell is like picking a good burger over a good steak. You ponder it, but you realize you’ve been given the option to freely select a tomahawk ribeye! The Wagyu burger is left for the peasants behind you, and you buy the second of the only two the chef was serving last night. The even BIGGER issue is Brady + Brown are the only two sure thing studs on a ten team league roster. Watch the waiver wire and be thankful for the lack of a last place penalty in our inaugural season.
9. Big Val
Team Anthem: “Hey Ya,” OutKast
Pick: 8th Overall
Super cute and cuddly team selected by my fantasy nemesis himself who is commonly known as the Log Flume Lothario aka the Lacy Lust Bucket aka The Boboli Beast aka The Content Critic aka The Tasteful Taste Determiner aka Pirate Bryan. Bunch of Boboli special toppings on this Potman’s pizza – Deli Turkey Delanie, Celery Crowell, Sliced (not shredded) Mozzarella Mixon, Capers Cousin, and Garbonzo Bean Gordon. Use some of those free agent bid dollars on a back up QB, defense, and kicker. I’m sure the Georgetown Circle K has a Lunchables to pilfer. Positive note: if I still blazed, your trees look like heaven.
8. Debo’s StickPassPassPass
Team Anthem: “Oh Boy,” Camron
Pick: 6th Overall
Any of these next teams can get second place. If Debo gets Dipset Killa Cam Newton, he might win this thing. And that’s why this timeless banger is pumping in the locker room. Unfortunately, Cam is pink jumpsuit Camron these days. Juelz Saquontana and his pair of ballin’ Jim Jonesian receivers won’t be enough without their leader going old school. If he does, we’re in trouble.
7. The Kanshabazz City Chiefs
Anthem: “Still,” Irv Da Phenom
Pick: 7th Overall
It’s his home, gents. His place of residence. He has made himself a nest in the 2nd best Missouri city, and he has finally accepted his place as a member of the Camarohead Comanche. The man with all smiles formerly of no smiles is going to be rooting for the Chiefs this year, because his team is rooted in their players. Reek, Kelce, and Sammy Watkins will be Marshawn’s fellow Lynchpins. If they ball out, all smiles. If they don’t, the smiles may find themselves replaced with cries. As Ethan Hawke said in Training Day, those are what it is all about.
Oh yeah, he also has PBM favorite Alvin “Boom Boom Kamara.”
6. The Dawg Pound
Team Anthem: “Man of the Year,” Schoolboy Q
Pick: 1st Overall
Gurley must maintain his man of the year status. Wentz must strive to be man of the year on the team of the year that became so without him. Dalvin Cook is starting with being man of the month – he has played less NFL football than that. Ertz, Tate, and DaVante are steady solid pieces that will guarantee success for this team if their injury prone alphas stay on the field.
5. ATrain’s Musick City Miracles aka The Hands Team
Team Anthem: “Heavy with the Drop,” HMan feat. Sticky Fingaz
Pick: 9th Overall
The most perfect anthem for a team EVER. So much synergy, and it’s a banger to boot. If ATrain’s INSANE WR group maintains their sticky fingers and his pass catching backs know to pay heavy attention to the drop, they will be a really tough out. If OBJ decides to pay more attention to house music drops at gay bars and the HMan Nuk Hopkins is left alone as the premier stud…it could be go bad here. Note: ATrain and the KC heavy squad are going to succeed as one this year with Maholmes. He could make both teams unbeatable. He also has never taken a real snap under center in the big leagues.
4. The Headless Snake aka AC’s Squad
Anthem: “We Don’t Play,” Bugzy Malone
Pick: 4th Overall
If any other equally valued QB is on this team, I’m legit worried. But Mariota STINKS. He’s no good. His scent is unappealing. So does Alex Smith. Couple of bums. Thank God for that too, because the rest of his team is fucking loaded. Someone else pick up Jared Goff – FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! Anthem is what it is for these guys because it would be an all time thumper if it wasn’t Bugzy on the mic. Mariota + Smith = Bugzy Malone of QB tandems.
3. Gabrielle Union’s Hubby aka Jang-a-lang (x2)
Team Anthem: “Aston Martin Music,” Rick Ross feat. Drake
Pick: 10th Overall
Legitimately frightened of 5-0’s squad. Hunt and Fournette are RB’s then scream “BAWSE!” Fitz and Thielen are receivers that elicit “YES!” But when you remove the undeniable appeal of this team / Rick Ross, you see that they are both officers of the law accompanied by Russ Wilson / Drake. Russ is great at football and Drake is a massive star. But they’re both enormous fuckin’ tools. Bronze statues behind the double doors at Prime 112 for this squad.
2. Guapo’s Gang aka The Heavyweights
Team Anthem: “Weight,” Freddie Gibbs
Pick: 3rd Overall
Yikes. This team is built to win or built to make a huge move if they aren’t. Watson or Rodgers will be the best QB in fantasy. One of them will be a trade piece for a top flight WR mid season, and several teams with solid pass catchers really need one of those beasts. LeVeon is a fantasy hall of famer. Amari is gonna bounce back huge. Freeman has been a fantasy force before, and McKinnon was the sleeper that Guapo flaunted about taking and backed it up. Heavyweights could tip scales come Christmas.
1. The Landlord aka OG Bobby Waller aka Prone Bone Malone
Team Anthem: “WIN,” Jay Rock
Pick: 5th Overall
WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN! Fuck everything else. Come December, the schedule will simply show wins for OG Bobby Waller. The B-Side anthem of “Runnin” by the Pharcyde will close games as Zeke, CMC, and Howard scamper all over the scoreboard. Luck to TY. JuJu continuing his record breaking start. Edelman’s triumphant return to excellence. It’s all so beautiful. Good luck, my tenants. Get those rent checks in. Eviction notices will be delivered promptly after weekly beatdowns occur.
Good to be back in the caboose, family. Choo motherfucking choo!!!