No More Parties in LA


I love making cross-cultural comparisons. Not like Bill Simmons does in his current form, but I’d be lying if I didn’t credit his younger, hungrier self for showing me the brilliance of using this method for humor + universal relevance. In my brain, I tend to use Hip Hop, wrestling, the NBA, and epic film or TV as baselines. Hip Hop is far and away my most used medium to cross-cultural compare because I know the most about it, and MC’s are highly visible publicly + in their art.

Now…I always thought I had LeBron pegged with Drake as his perfect MC equal. They’re both front running dudes who don’t have an ounce of “hard life” in them. They constantly are positioning themselves as the leaders of their craft without acknowledging era-specific advantages and/or glaring flaws that distance them from the true greats. It’s seemed like a match made in fake beef wins + meaningless stat accumulation heaven. Turns out Drake is actually a far better match for Steph Curry…you can’t ignore the fact that Drake is the biggest hitmaker alive and Steph being the GOAT shooter. They make their teams better (get Drake on a feature and explode), and neither one is a disruptive emotional being. Where does his leave the false prophet LeBron James?


I mean…just the wordplay is enough for me to be encapsulated with joy. But when you look at the complete and utter chaos + dysfunction of LeBron’s Lakers season, doesn’t it remind you of the false idol “Yeezus?!?!?” The two of them leave their hometown for LA with delusions of grandeur and their sights set on expanding their brands wayyyyy outside of their lanes – LeBron to join the iconic Lakers + produce films/TV/music and Kanye to bolster his media exposure through a marriage to Kim Kardashian + run for President + who knows what the fuck else. Each one fell of the rails really damn quickly – I don’t know if each one realized that the team/family they were joining was a false bag of goods or if their complete lack of self awareness simply caught up to their lifestyles, but you know the rest of the story. Let’s go over LeBron first because it’s so damn glorious to see all of it together:

  1. Got an absolute legend to step down out of nowhere – Magic basically pulled an Irish Goodbye
  2. Drank wine on the bench while nursing injuries
  3. Was all alone + fake crying while he passed Jordan in total points
  4. Got another team’s GM fired + torpedoed his chances at landing a premier free agent this off-season
  5. Missed the playoffs
  6. Got a game winner blocked by Mario Hezonjia

7. Throw an inbounds pass off the backboard as the Lakers playoff chances CRUMBLED due to his need to push for a trade for Anthony Davis

8. Got bitch made/forcefully shoved into a defensive position by Kyle Kuzma

9. Can’t get anyone to join him in “Space Jam 2” – rumors say Chris Bosh and Wade are in…so the Monstars are jacking the powers of a guy who had to retire b/c he almost died + a retired dude. That’s worse than Shawn Bradley, man. Honestly, if he wasn’t devoid of a semblance of creative impulse, he should have just used his Lakers teammates. Rondo, JaVale, Lance, and Lonzo/Ingram would be perfect Monstars! LeBron’s a moron.

10. Stole the plot from “The Running Man” to make a CBS show…with Tebow tied to it. Didn’t realize people like “The Running Man” because of death + comedic villainy, and the show tanks instantly.

11. Served as the Fake A&R for 2Chainz’s latest effort that was Tity Boi’s worst in years. Didn’t realize that knowledgeable people such as myself know what A&R’s do, and that there was no way he was inputting lyrics into Genius and/or negotiating features. He DEFINTITELY wasn’t clearing the fucking samples. LeBron’s a huge fucking moron.

12. Distanced himself from legends such as Kareem, Duncan, Kobe, Magic, and Russell in the All-Time greatest player rankings.

13. Was such an ass clown that it finally feels like everyone is tired of his antics, and expects a SHRED of maturity or awareness from him.

I’m engorged by that list. Kanye’s disruptive nonsense wasn’t as diverse, but extremely disturbing and indefensible nonetheless. The guy had the audacity to call slavery “a choice” and openly support + kiss the ass of our racist, buffoon of a President with zero regard for how people would receive such brazen ignorance. Didn’t turn out so well for him, I’d say. His “masterpiece” album “Yandhi” has been shelved (just like LeBron’s 4th championship hopes), and he lost the support of long-term allies such as Jay Z, Talib Kweli, Tip, and Common. I’m going to go ahead and say LeBron’s glass of red on the bunch was Kanye’s rocking of the red “MAGA” hat….SHEEEEEESH.

I’m working on developing a LeBronye West character – I hope to debut him when more of the Space Jam 2 cast is released. Hopefully each of these men will continue to surround themselves with people who don’t have the answers…I really like watching douche egomaniacs face consequences.

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