If you haven’t see most films in the MCU and plan doing on so, you might want to stop reading. I’m going to talk about them in detail that could be considered “spoiling” them, and it’s necessary. In fact, if you’re behind in your plans to watch all of the MCU and haven’t read / have an understanding of the comics then you’re clown shoes. Viewing these films without having the slightest idea of Stan Lee’s true vision for the characters is how the Tobey Maguire Spidey got love and TOPHER FUCKING GRACE PLAYED VENOM. It’s how James McAvoy butchered Professor X while Mystique became a hero instead of a ruthless assassin, and for just to further enrage me, had zero attention given to her being Nightcrawler’s mom despite her saving a young Crawler in “Apocalypse” AND sharing the screen/aligning with his father Azazel in “First Class.” It’s how Oscar Isaac is merely the second worst bastardization of an iconic villain on film…his Blue Meanie styled Apocalypse was only bested (worsted?) by the second antagonist of Andrew Garfield’s Spidey run.

Who was that, you ask? Jamie Foxx. His acting and the atrocious costume design turned Electro into a bright blue, evil blend of the main bad guy from “Blade 2” + Ray Charles + Vincent the cab driver from “Collateral.” How does the comic book’s dopeness get supplanted with an aqua “Walking Dead” extra?!?!?

Now that we’ve established my belief that peeps who don’t have a shred of comic book influence + rep Marvel films are the worst, let’s dive into Spiderman: Far From Home via Jake Gyllenhaal’s masterfully designed Mysterio costume.

For the nebs of the world – Mysterio’s real life name is Quentin Beck. His backstory differs in how its presented in Far From Home, but the changes make sense when weighed against the current political climate. His villainous ways are nearly identical to the source material – Mysterio controls super advanced illusion tech and displays hyper intelligence. He manipulates the world’s reality with the purely egotistical and maniacal thought processes in order to present himself as a hero. Sound familiar, rail riders? Gyllenhaal channels Quentin Beck’s charismatic, superficial persona with ease. Lots of modern stars probably could. It’s the “reveal” that he’s the villain of this flick that separates Jakey G from his peers. If I spoiled him being the bad guy of this movie for you, I hate you and I’m glad I did.

I’m going to get back to JG’s place among his contemporaries after I chuck some praise the way of Tom Holland. Holland’s Spidey is VASTLY SUPERIOR to Tobey’s and Garfield’s. Tobey couldn’t convince us he was a kid, and Garfield has one of the stupidest, ginger/emo faces in the world. In order to play Peter Parker aka Spiderman, it is paramount to be able to age yourself down. Spidey is a teenager! Imagine your 16 year-old self getting insanely awesome super powers and then figuring out how to handle the next day(s) of your life – it’d be awesome, but most teenage dudes are bumbling morons. Tobes and Garfield didn’t convey this even for a minute in their Spiderman renditions…Holland NAILS IT. Spiderman: Homecoming, his first full-feature appearance as Peter Parker, is just as good as Far From Home. Keaton’s performance as The Vulture is truly epic, but it’s Holland who ends up stealing the show. He seamlessly and effortlessly hooks you into the belief that he’s a teenage doofus, and he does so in the face of source material plot changes that shouldn’t enhance his on-screen presence. The MCU WAYYYY over emphasizes Ironman / Spiderman’s relationship. I believe they did this as a way to ease Holland into the part. It was a strategic, albeit silly decision to have him on screen with Downey’s perfected, almost too good portrayal of Tony Stark. Holland didn’t seem to mind in the slightest, and managed to sway me in FAVOR of the Stark / Parker paternal bond that I was witnessing unfold on screen. The kid has chops. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say he’s peerless among the new crop of leading males. His versatility, musical ability, and genuine charm has him running laps around Garfield, Miles Teller, Tye Sheridan, and Ansel Elgort. Taron Egerton is his closet competition, but him doing an Elton John impression isn’t nearly as impressive as what Holland has done with Parker (side tangent: Garfield, Elgort, and Egerton have all be sabotaged by Jamie “Trash Heap” Foxx. Garfield and Electro, Elforgt and his absurdly terrible gangster role in “Baby Driver,” and Egerton via the shitshow that was Guy Ritchie’s “Robin Hood.” Interesting or nah?).

If you don’t get the “Dunny” usage, you need to get way wiser. Parker is from Queens, Mobb Deep is from Queens, and bad asses from Queens use “Dun” instead of “son.” You’re welcome.

Last note on Holland’s performance that I have to crush on – he CRUSHES a scene where he officially steps into Ironman’s shoes as the lead dog super hero alive. It got dusty, folks. Ya know, because Ironman died in “Infinity War.” I’d be remised if I didn’t throw some love Jon Favreau’s way. He’s really great as Happy, Ironman’s best friend and assistant. He’s even better as Spidey’s new father figure.

Now…back to my mainest man, Jake G. This movie cemented something for me that I’ve believed for a long time. Jake Gyllenhaal is the greatest actor of the LOADED Generation X / Millennial crop. He’s better than Leo, Pitt, Hardy, Bale, McConaughey, Cooper, Fassbender, Damon, both Afflecks, Gosling, Idris, Wahlberg, Joaquin, and Emeka Okafor. The one thing missing from his resume was ownership of a true blockbuster role, and that mission was expertly accomplished. His resume now contains standout performances with unparalleled range. Donnie Darko, Moonlight Mile, Brokeback Mountain, Jarhead, Zodiac, Love & Other Drugs, Source Code, End of Watch, Prisoners, Enemy, Nightcrawler, Southpaw, Demolition, Nocturnal Animals, and Far From Home. No other modern actor touches that variety or sniffs the consistent excellence within it. I’m not any other actor in history can do it, but I won’t go that far. I don’t give a flying fuck how many statues he has, because he should’ve gotten one for at least three of those roles. 2014 was the biggest robbery, as he didn’t get nominated for Nightcrawler ahead of DiCaprio’s Jordan Belfort, Bale’s turn in the absurdly overrated American Hustle, and Wooderson’s coronation via Dallas Buyer’s Club. If ya didn’t appreciate JG before this blog, please do so now. And don’t be like Train and avoid these two excellent Spidey flicks. Hopefully this blog will finally get him to watch some supremely entertaining, surprisingly touching, and damn near perfect summer movie action.

Last stop, family! Tip your servers.