The Ringer’s “Rewatchables” Podcast STINKS.

PBM expresses his growing displeasures towards the flicks deemed “Rewatchable” by The Ringer. Sweet hat, Bill.

This headline comes as no surprise when coupled with the live action shot above of “The Sports Guy” attending a baseball game. Seriously – who can value the opinion of a man who still wears undershirts with his Polos (picture taken in 2016) + allows for a hat to sit on his head that way? A man of his celebrity status leaving the house looking like Steve Bartman sans headphones is patently absurd, and I shall not turn to his recommendations for anything other than Los Angeles Chinese Food.

Side Note: Simmons and “his buddy” House put me on to Yang Chow when I lived in SoCal. Amazing spot, even if House tried to ruin it for me by savagely and joyfully slurping the squiggly remnants of his Hot ‘N Sour soup. Fortunately, the grotesque evidence of this act seems to be deleted from the internet. RIP, Grantland.

The inspiration for this blog comes from ATrain (sharing my disdain for the options/results) sending me the following poll yesterday:

simmonspoll

Couple things grinding my gears here…

  1. Don’t even put this up as a poll. “The Program” is the only rewatchable one of the bunch, and it’s a damn classic.
  2. If you’re going to do this poll, you have to include “Necessary Roughness,” “Little Giants,” and “School Ties” ahead of the other three. “Titans” is an ok flick, but it’s far from rewatchable when compared to my choices. Plus, I’d rather watch Denzel in at least three other roles. Plus plus, I’d rather watch Opie and Avon in their natural habitats on “SOA” and “The Wire.” Plus plus plus, the white coach’s daughter in “Titans” is an annoying fucking twerp. Plus plus plus plus, Gosling can’t be taken seriously as an Alphamale in any role after his turn as the white DB who can’t cover anyone. I’m officially out on “Driver” after having the revelation that Gosling’s athlete role was a HS version of a past his prime Jason Sehorn. Not to mention the dude who takes his starting job is played by none other than Donald Faison. Gosling, you’re out!
  3. America is getting collectively stupider and “The Replacements” beating out “The Program” is concrete evidence of our ongoing intellectual crisis.
  4. “Draft Day” being a part of this poll confirms my belief that Simmons feels about Kevin Costner the way Louis C.K. feels about Ewan McGregor. CK’s bit is below for those whom don’t get that reference, and I firmly believe this because “The Rewatchables” has done at least four Costner movies (including “Four the Love of the Game”) while still not covering “Cliffhanger,” “Demolition Man,” “Pulp Fiction,” “The Rock,” “Aliens,” “In the Line of Fire,” “Surviving the Game,” Karl Urban’s “Dredd,” “Caddyshack,” “Slapshot,” “Miller’s Crossing,” and many more flicks that never get old.

This poll is only the tip of the iceberg for The Ringer’s bastardization of the criteria for “rewatchable” flicks. They’ve done “Titantic,” “The Notebook,” “Gone Girl,” “When Harry Met Sally,” “Dave,” “The Hangover,” “Ocean’s 11,” “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” “Creed,” “You’ve Got Mail,” “Moneyball,” and FUCKING “INCEPTION” before the flicks I listed above.

Side Note 2: PBM hates “Inception” as much as any movie that’s ever been made. If you like it, you’re a moron whom has never tried their hand at being a creator in their life. I’d rather watch Ned Beatty get fucked in “Deliverance” on a loop for two hours than watch “Inception” again.

Sure, they’ve gotten some selections right. “Point Break,” “Diehard,” “Lebowski,” “The Town,” “Con Air,” “True Romance,” “Blue Chips,” “Face / Off,” “White Men Can’t Jump,” “Old School,” “Step Bros,” “Reservoir Dogs,” and “Major League” have been discussed by Simmons ‘n Chumps. However, with their glaring omissions and those omissions being replaced by the likes of “Dave” and fuckin’ “Titanic,” I really don’t care what Simmons has to say about tried and true rewatchable classics.

But hey, since I’m forgiving a guy who has started a pursuit of a career as an educator, I’m going to help out ‘ol Sports Lad and his team. Here’s a few lists sorted by category that those mutts can turn to the next time someone suggests “Draft Day” as an actionable item for their shitty podcast.

Sports Rewatchables

  1. “The Program”
  2. “Necessary Roughness”
  3. “Kingpin”
  4. “School Ties”
  5. “Slapshot”
  6. “Mighty Ducks”
  7. “Little Giants”
  8. “Days of Thunder”
  9. “Warrior”
  10. “Caddyshack”
  11. “Happy Gilmore”
  12. “Mr. Baseball”
  13. “Hoosiers”
  14. “Dodgeball”
  15. “Side Out”
  16. “The Air Up There”

…..1,075. “The Blindside”

Borderline Sports Rewatchables

  1. “The Last Boy Scout”
  2. “Sudden Death”
  3. “Talladega Nights”

Absolutely Essential Rewatchables

  1. “Pulp Fiction”
  2. “Cliffhanger”
  3. “Die Hard 3”
  4. “Demolition Man”
  5. “The Rock”
  6. “Surviving the Game”
  7. “The Client” (Simmons and his merry bad of idiots did “The Firm.” Because of course they’d pick the wrong Grisham adaptation.)
  8. “Big Trouble in Little China”
  9. Urban’s “Dredd”
  10. “My Cousin Vinny”
  11. “No Escape” (Liotta, not Owen Wilson. Fucking duh.)
  12. “Miller’s Crossing”
  13. “The Ref
  14. “In the Line of Fire”
  15. “Boogie Nights”
  16. “Bad Boys”
  17. “Bad Boys 2”
  18. “Trading Places”
  19. “Coming to America”
  20. “Tropic Thunder”
  21. “Captain America: Winter Soldier”
  22. “Bridesmaids” (how do they pick “Best Friend’s Wedding over this?!? Oh yeah, I know how. Simmons has the final say.)
  23. “Knocked Up”
  24. “Gone in 60 Seconds
  25. “Spiderman: Homecoming”
  26. “Goonies”
  27. “Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom”
  28. “Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade”
  29. “The Other Guys”
  30. “A League of Their Own”
  31. “Burn After Reading”
  32. “Fargo”
  33. “Shotcaller”
  34. “Fury”
  35. “Minority Report”
  36. “Go”
  37. “Under Siege”
  38. “The Equalizer”
  39. “John Wick”
  40. “Guardians of the Galaxy”
  41. “Thor: Ragnarok”
  42. “Overboard”
  43. “Rushmore”
  44. “Out of Sight”
  45. “Lockout”
  46. “Mrs. Doubtfire”
  47. “Se7en”
  48. “Mallrats”
  49. “Sicario”
  50. “Hell or High Water”

1,324, 761. “Proof of Life”

Wait…shit. Fucking Simmons already did one on “Proof of Life!” This blog will self-destruct in 5…4…3…2…1!

Shit, again! That’s what I get for using a “Mission: Impossible” reference. Luckily, their is an episode of The Rewatchables on that forgettable as fuck movie for those who didn’t get my joke.

I gotta end on a high note…here’s the best of Alvin Mack to send you into Saturday Night. He’s the stud linebacker from “The Program,” and you’ll see why he deserves his air time.

Adios, rail riders. Don’t forget to tip your servers.

Side Note 3: I wish I’d covered “Necessary Roughness” more. Both Mack and Latimer (juiced up DE from “The Program” seen in the third clip above) take on supporting roles, and Robert Loggia + Larry Miller put on Tour de Force performances as a coach and the villainous dean respectively. I think Train and I are going to do a combo “The Program” / “Necessary Roughness” podcast to make up for me glancing over the Fighting Armadillos in this blog. Stay tuned.

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