Grading the New NFL Head Coaches.

The NFL has 8 new head coaches this year, that’s 25% of the NFL and an average of one new coach per division.

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Let’s check in on these guys after 4 weeks…

Vic “Generic Grey Sweatshirt” Fangio: Broncos

I was worried that the Bears lost a great defensive coordinator in Fangio. Four games into the season I’m not so worried. It turns out the Bears D is just as dominant because they have really good players. The Bears built that D with great drafts and trades, things Fangion had no part of.

What he does have a part of is an 0-4 start and Joe Flacco is his QB. This is not good for Vic. I can see the writing on the wall, the Broncos are going to suck. They will need to draft a QB and when they do they will get an offensively minded coach to groom him. Grey Sweatshirt Guy has this year and next year, then he’s fired.

Grade thus far: D+

He doesn’t have a ton to work with or this would be an F.

Zac “Frowny-Face” Taylor: Bengals

I’d be frowning too if my team was 0-4 and just got our ass kicked by another winless team playing a backup QB. Jesus, does anything make this guy happy? Give us a smile Zac! You’ve got the most average QB of all time in Andy Dalton, how does that make you feel?

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On second thought, the frown is better. 

I watched the Bengals look OK week one on the road in Seattle, each week they have looked worse, Andy Dalton is still the QB, the defense isn’t great, the offense isn’t great. They are 0-4 just like Old Grey sweatshirt.

Grade thus far: D-

This could be an F as well but I’m not failing him just yet because like Vic his roster stinks.

Adam “Coke-Face” Gase: Jets

He wasn’t such a coke-face in Chicago but you get the head job in Miami and things fucking change man. Then all of a sudden you’re in New York and of course, you can still get good cocaine but it costs a lot more now and you gotta deal with your Russian drug dealer all the time. And even though you’re the head coach of the Jets….Dmitri still calls you bro all the time and tries to sell you pills and guns when all you want is a bump before your big press conference.  On top of all that, the QB you drafted got Mono and you can’t win a game to save your life. I give Gase some credit for squeezing 7 wins out of Miami last year but this Jets team with Luke Falk at the helm isn’t squeezing even a glass of OJ. This team is 0-3 but somehow not in last place in the AFC East because the hapless Dolphins are 0-4.

Grade thus far: D

I want to see him coach up a healthy Darnold before I fully fail him. Nobody is gonna win with Luke Falk.

Brian “I’m not a white guy” Flores: The Hapless Miami Dolphins

So full disclosure I thought the name “Brian Flores” belonged to a white guy for the longest time. Even when I saw him on the sidelines I didn’t think the guy I was looking at was Brian Flores. I thought he was the defensive coordinator who wears a cool looking hat.

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That’s a dope Fins hat, I want the Bears version of it.

This thought was only reinforced by the fact he came from the Patriots and played linebacker at Boston College. In my mind’s eye the man named Brian Flores looked something like this:

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This is more the face of a winless former Patriot assistant. This is the real Brian Flores. Not the Terry Crewes looking brother with a solid hat game.

I don’t think ANY COACH save maybe Bill Belichick could even have this team at 1-3. They are full-on tanking this NFL season. They are sacrificing Josh Rosen to the football gods in hopes of catching a Tua-Fish. It’s hard to grade any coach with this roster.

Grade thus far: Incomplete, no course credit, reenroll next semester. For now, you’re on academic probation.

Ok, we are halfway through the new coaches and…we have yet to encounter a coach who has won a game. Yikes. I’m sure the next coach will at least have won one game, right?

WRONG!

Kliff “American Psycho” Kingsbury

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Kliff just looks like the Patrick Bateman of the NFL to me.

Seriously how much time do you think he put into his business card?

A tie is not a win Kliff unless were talking about the tie on that suit. The Arizona Cardinals at 0-3-1 managed to pull out a tie in week one vs the Lions, that’s more than I can say the losers already highlighted. Still 5 coaches in and we don’t have a win. This team is going to pick up some wins at some point. Kyler looks like he belongs in the NFL and Kliff has some pieces to work with. Still, this team has a trash O-line and a D that you can pass all over especially to the tight end.

Grade thus far: D

It’s amazing that we are 5 coaches in, nobody has a win, and honestly, I don’t think we’ve gotten to the worst coaches yet.

Matt “Even Steven” LaFleur: Packers

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I think Deon Lewis needs more touches.

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How can I give the ball to my best RB less?

As a Bears fan, I could not be happier with the Matt LaFleur hire. Last year LaFleur was coaching the Titans offense and for some inexplicable reason, LaFleur saw fit to give Deon Lewis as much if not more playing time than Derrick Henry. It did not matter that Henry was way better. LaFleur is going to use both backs equally no matter if one is far better than the other. He took this philosophy to Green Bay where he stifled Aaron Jones by giving an almost equal share to Jamaal Williams. Then once Williams got hurt he didn’t give the ball to Jones more, he just decided to stop running it. He had first and goal at the 1 vs Philly and threw it 4 consecutive times, got down there again and threw it two more times until it got intercepted. That’s just shit coaching. I don’t care if Aaron Rogers is your QB. Peyton Manning loved to hand it off to Edge James at the goal line. Just because you have a good QB doesn’t mean you give up running near the endzone.

Grade thus far: C-

This grade is only passing because he has Aaron Rogers and a 3-1 record. I’m happy this guy got hired, he stinks.

Bruce “Mobster Santa” Arians: Tampa Bay

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This guy is the best of the bunch. The only guy on this list that as a fan I would be happy with. The Shitty Bucs with Shitty Jameis Winston are 2-2 and just put 55 on a team that was in the Superbowl last year. He is getting what he can from Jameis and winning games he’s not supposed too. That is the mark of an up and coming team. Sure the QB puts a ceiling on this team but going forward the Bucs have a much brighter future with Arians in charge.

Grade thus far: B+

If he somehow gets this team into the playoffs in a stacked NFC this grade can move up to an A.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

Freddy “MessHall” Kitchens: The Browns:

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Freddy in Arizona looking like some kind of porpoise. 

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Freddy in Cleveland looking like a porpoise with a hat on that needs a shave.

This doofus is a real piece of work. I’ve watched quite a bit of the Cleveland Browns and this dude needs to get his shit together. It took three games for him to figure out Chubb should be getting the ball more. He still doesn’t know how to coach Baker, he sucks at scheming ways to get Odell Beckham Jr. the ball. What do you expect from a guy who was a Running Backs coach at this time last year? Freddy Kitchens? No. Freddy Mess Hall where the cook just scoops slop onto a cafeteria tray and you’re forced to eat it. The Browns need to move on from this mouthbreather and fast. They are an undisciplined team that gets way too many penalties, that’s on the coach. One play, in particular, comes to mind. The Browns have first and goal at the 1-yard line. He calls a run play with motion and the WR in motion doesn’t have time to get set. The TD is wiped off the board and now it’s first and goal at the 6. You no longer can just punch it in. At the one-yard line there is no reason to run motion when you have Chubb, snap it, hand it off and score. Don’t get a procedure penalty. That is just one example there are too many to count.

Grade thus far: D+

A quarter of the way into the NFL season and the new coaches are off to a rocky start. We can check back in later to see if they improve. At least we know there is plenty of room to improve…A-TRAIN OUT.

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