Rail Riders! It’s been too long since I left you…without a dope blog or any content at all to truly step to! This changes now…and it changes in a HAAA-UGE way. Your boy PBM finally sat down and did something he’s wanted to do for years, and the Rona revealed the opportunity. I’ve made the largest cup of lemonade you’ve ever seen out of the quarantine lemons we’re all engulfing. So large that it would take Train three days to lose himself in glasses of it while pelting or losing his precious body armor via the wacky world of fallout.
I sense you’re skeptical. You don’t believe I’ve truly shifted the narrative, correct? Well…how about if I told you I drafted ten-men rosters for every team in the NBA using the traditional snake style and based the order on this year’s standings? How about if I told you I decided to make every single player who’s ever played the game available to be selected?
Here’s how I did it:
- The draft order was created using this year’s standings. I manipulated the lottery in order to allow for certain star players to play for the team’s they became stars on.
- Throughout the draft I prioritized placing individuals on teams whom they contributed for / excelled on / won titles with.
- The all-time greats were placed with purpose…for the most part. That purpose was fueled by irony, intrigue, or historical significance.
- Dumb teams remained dumb. I also have a bias against the Nets, so they purposefully made some silly decisions.
- The Thunder moved back to Seattle.
- Team’s identities / playing styles / management trends were always top of mind, and organizations which reward loyalty were given priority to land a player whom has ties to their franchise.
Without further adieu, here is what unfolded (you’ll see the number in which players were chosen next to their name on every roster). I’ll do some intensive roster breakdowns either later today or this weekend.
Here’s some observations at first glance:
The favorites at first glance are the Bulls, Pistons, Blazers, Hornets, Warriors, Kings, and Clippers.
Just outside of the top teams are the Cavs, Spurs, TWolves, Wizards, Pacers, Sonics, Celtics, Raptors, and Lakers.
The weakest rosters belong to the Suns, Nets, Rockets, and Bucks.
As far as specific players landing on specific teams, here are my initial thoughts on what results are the dopest:
- I think Magic leading a Pistons team (he’s from Michigan) built with members from each era of the Bad Boys’ championship runs is an insanely hilarious idea…and it might yield dominance.
- I love the Blazers finally landing their elite big man in Hakeem with the fifth pick – pairing him with Dame, Roy, Sheed, and Big Game James gives Dream the chance to prove he’s the GOAT big man.
- Reggie and Barkley teaming up in Naptown to beat Jordan is awesome – Barklye isn’t distracted by clubs, good food, and women. Not to mention Ben Simmons giving them each their desired number of looks.
- Legendary Celtics’ winners Bill Russell and Dennis Johnson leading a Kings squad loaded with as much talent as they have playoff failures. I basically added TMac and Jokic (along with the aforementioned Celts) to the core Kings squad that was constantly robbed in the early 2000’s).
- The Splash Bro’s and Igouyoshi teaming up with Brad Beal in DC. That three guard lineup could eat souls in any era.
- Pippen and McHale finally stepping out of MJ and Bird’s shadows with the Clippers. That duo teaming up with some under appreciated all star guards (Deron & Franchise), arguably the most prolific Clipper ever (Blake Griffin), and their beloved threesome of Lou, Trezz, and PBev makes the Clipshow pretty damn vicious.
- What guards / wings are scoring on Glove / Klaw in crunch time? The Raps are no joke.
- The Hornets don’t trade Kobe, and he gets paired with Bill Walton and Luka. Yikes.
- Durant gets to lead an amalgamation of his title winning Warriors squads (sans the fan favorites whom relocated to DC) and the beloved “we believe” team of ’06-’07. Can he handle Baron and Draymond yelling in his face every timeout? If he can, they’re as good as anyone.
- The Knicks landed two dudes, one past (Kareem) and one present (Jimmy Butler), to pair with franchise icons Willis and Pearl. It probably isn’t enough.
- Darryl Morey used analytics to pair Rick Barry’s efficiency with James Harden’s…and the Rockets get obliterated by 50+ night in and night out.
- The two studs who conjure up as many throwback vibes as anyone currently in the league (Giannis & CP3) lead the return to Seattle for the Sonics. The modern Glove – Reign Man aren’t alone…Ben Wallace’s fro, Grant Hill’s versatility, and Devin Booker’s dick round out their nasty starting five.
- The Bucks stink because their front office is dumb…they overextend on guys whom are past their prime / poor fits every year. Same goes for the Suns.
- N’awlins is the biggest “what-if” unit. Moses and his modern equivalent (Zion) just could be too much for any squad to handle.
- Despite all the observations above, the favorites in the clubhouse are the Bulls. The GOAT running alongside both D. Rose and Kemp in their primes is simply incomprehensible. It would probably always look like this…
and DEFINITELY THIS…
Bulls are -150 in fake Vegas, family.
Come back in the next day or so for a simulated season of results, awards, and fake observations. All feedback is desired, welcomed, and possibly dismissed.
Stay safe, rail riders.
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AUTHOR’S NOTE: THE SONICS AND PISTONS BOTH HAVE BEN WALLACE ON THEIR ROSTER. THE SONICS’ BEN WALLACE SHOULD BE REPLACED BY RASHEED WALLACE, AND THE BLAZERS SHOULD HAVE ZACH RANDOLPH INSTEAD OF SHEED.