The Pick Five ya boy Prone Bone Malone SHREDDED last season has been elevated to a Pick Six. You think that gives us worries? We have zero worries. The bacon is going to be sliced up and brought home all the same. I shall mince no more words – here’s the fat to chew.

NEW YORK GIANTS (+3.5) over Jacksonville Jaguars

I think the Jags win this game, but I think Eli and his new Saquon put in some work against the highly touted Jacksonville defense. The GGGGGGGGMen have potential to win ten games this year, and if you listened to my alter ego Andy Mansion, I’m in on both teams who play their home games in the Meadowlands.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-5.5) over San Francisco 49ers

One of the Mansion SB teams! The Vikings are leeee-git. Kirk likes the fuck out this team – he likes them with a fervor rarely seen!

There is so much to LOVE about this Vikings team. I don’t care how high people are on the Niners and their wunderkind coach Kyle Shanahan – The Vikings are hands down a phenomenal squad. Ridiculous passing attack, serious potential in the backfield, and a defense that is top five in the league. Too bad Jerrick McKinnon blew out his knee…I’m sure he’d be in full revenge game otherwise.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (-2.5) over Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys STINK. This line is too low. Christian McCafferey is going to be the fantasy football / gambler’s MVP this year. Mark my prone boning, cocksmithing words. Just look at this specimen and what he can do – LOOK AT HIM!

DENVER BRONCOS (-2.5) over Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks STINK! The Broncos are going to be having the time of their life with Von Miller and Brad Chubb. Royce Freeman is a time of your life running back. They have time of your life receivers who are veterans of the game. Mile High – be prepared for the TIME. OF. YOUR. LIFE.

CHICAGO BEARS (+8.5) over Green Bay Packers

The ATrain might be poisoning me with Bears affection, but fuck it. I’m down with this Bears team. Unless Mr. Biscuit stinks, and in that case, I TOLD YOU SO!

LOS ANGELES RAMS (-2.5) over Vegas Raiders

Come on, people. You really think I wouldn’t take our boy Jared in week one? The Rams are going to maul the NFC West this season. I’m thinking 6-0 in the division. Jared is due to check in after week one, so get excited.

BONUS PICK: TAKE THE IGGLES TONIGHT. JUST DO IT. NOT BECAUSE KAEPERNICK TOLD YOU TO – BECAUSE PRONE BONE CONDONED IT.