Ezekiel Elliott is a Man Without a Country.

Last night in Dallas, my beloved St. Louis Blues stole game three from the Dallas Stars to take a 2-1 series lead in the 2nd round of the NHL Playoffs. St. Louis local Pat “Big Rig” Maroon scored a beastly goal in the games closing moments. It was beautiful. The Blues are my favorite team in any sport of all-time…I love this franchise. It is because of that love that I am delaying posting a comprehensive blog about them until they do something I’ve never seen them do in almost 37 years on this Earth: make the Stanley Cup finals. And guess what, PBM disciples? It’s gonna fucking happen. You know why? Because the STL native, belly button on display, chipmunk looking-fuck better known as Zeke Elliott showed up at the game last night in a fanny pack. He showed up to root for the South Stars! Take a gander!

zeke_stars_game

Fuckin’ traitor! ATrain defended him by saying athletes do this all the time – his beloved Anthony Rizzo is from Florida and he is now a Blackhawks fan. Whoopty fuckin’ doo! Good for the guy from a state that has no ice in it! Zeke grew up in a town that literally and physically bleeds Blue…shit, the Blues even share the same colors as his damn high school. Burroughs grads (aside from Jon Hamm) are such clowns.

I got past the near guarantee of bozo-esque living from this particular JBS alumni by having Zeke on my cutthroat fantasy keeper team ever since his arrival in the league. He brought me a title. I named my dog after him. I forgave him for choosing the Fuckeyes over Mizzou. And then he goes full fanny pack and sells out the Note for the prospect of some local ad money. I guess national brands aren’t lining up with offers for a chipmunk-faced butthead who gets handsy with the ladies. Chase that car dealership spokesmen clout, Zeke. I only have this to say to you, my guy:

avon

Guess what though, Rail Riders? This really is the Blues year. Zeke’s mutant mimicking behavior sealed it. We’re going to bash his adopted Stars, and then we’re going to shit on his other adopted hometown’s team, The BJ’s, in the Cup. It’s going to happen as Big Motherfuckin’ Rig takes his place on the homegrown STL athlete Mt. Rushmore with David Freese, Stan Musial, and Ozzie Smith.

BIGRIGMOCKUP

Now hit the music!

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